Monday, December 5, 2016

When life gives you lemons...NOT CROSS-STICH RELATED!




Warning: this is NOT about cross-stitching. This is an emotional rant/cathartic release. If you don't want to read it - I suggest you skip this post and wait till I decide to post something crafty. Which may/may not be anytime soon since I haven't posted anything in months!

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This year has been....well a roller-coaster of a year. Not including all the celebrity deaths that have been blows to us all this year, I have lost my own maternal grandfather, a man I loved and have missed greatly since his passing. 

On top of this, my husband and I have been struggling with our own roller-coaster ride - that of dealing with trying to expand our family and have a baby but because of reasons - have had to pursue In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).  If you do not know what this is - there are lots of sites that will tell you but as my siblings and I used to call ourselves "test-tube babies" or to be more accurate - petri dish babies ;) Yes, my Mom went through IVF and ended up with triplets - 3 years later she had my brother the more "normal" route - unexpectedly mind you. But I am living proof that it does work. Sometimes.

For anyone that has gone through this, I'm sure you know the feelings well - for those who haven't it's a constant cycle of a slow climb up (the hope that "yes this will work") when you see positive results & ultrasounds, followed by the swift plummet downward when it doesn't (for whatever reason) and an even longer climb back up when you try another cycle. Each climb back up seems harder and longer and each downward plunge is faster and deeper - emotionally worse and worse. We went through 3 cycles of this emotional ride. 4 if you want to count the first attempt since I wasn't responding to the stimulation medications and my cycle was stopped shortly after we started. 

This last one was our best results as far as stimulation and the amount of mature eggs we received. It was also the most crushing when we got our results of 0 out of 6 embryos continuing to grow to day 5.  The first two times I managed to stay at work and push through it. I even continued to finish work when I got the call at lunch from my Mom that my grandfather had passed unexpectedly. This time I couldn't. I couldn't be around anyone right then. I needed to get out. I was feeling sick, I was emotionally destroyed and I needed to just go home. This was our last shot at IVF and it had failed. I was done with everything that day. Thankfully, my boss understood and didn't even care that I forgot to clock out. He signed my card and sent me home.

So - what's our next step? Everyone asks me that - along with offering their own two cents in what we "should" have done/not done. And you know what? Fuck them! They aren't the ones going through it - they don't have to deal with the emotional blows and what-ifs so they can easily sit back and say "well if *I* were  you...." when they don't have to deal with it. It's always easier to sit back and tell someone what they should be doing when you aren't the one going through it. And frankly, unless you have been where I am - you don't know what it's like. Nor will you ever. I'm not saying I wish this on anyone - cause I don't! Not even on my worst enemy!! But many of the people who offer their opinions have kids, didn't have issues having their kids or haven't even tried to HAVE kids.

It's even harder when all my friends/family have or are having kid(s) and I'm stuck having one failed attempt after another. It's *still* hard to deal with and it's been a few days since I got the news. Each day is better than the one before it but it's still hard. And I think it will always be hard to deal with in some way.

Yes, there are other options out there. Some my husband and I are considering - while others we *might* look at in the future. Right now, we are going to be taking a break from all this. We, myself especially, need to regroup.

So, now you know why I haven't been posting much when it comes to my stitching. It's been hard to concentrate on stitching anything - let alone any of the countless WIP's I have sitting around my home. I hope that this next year brings more ups than downs as this year has just been one downward spiral after another. But, we shall see.

Also, I know this is an older post but these tips are helpful so please, give it a read if you feel like it and keep them in mind whenever you find out someone is going through this.

http://austin.citymomsblog.com/2014/04/24/your-infertile-friend/

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Till next time.